If Only

Last night, I wanted to say all the things I’ve been keeping to myself. To fully let you in and make you see how broken I’ve become. So you can witness what effect you have in me and the consequences of your careless resolutions. To make you comprehend what your mindless decisions have done to me. I wonder when we’ll have our time. When will you give me your time? Cause I’ve been steadily walking after you; trying not to get close again, but just enough to be around you. I wonder if I’ll ever have my turn. When I can look behind and see you there, keeping watch, patiently waiting and holding on to every hope. A prayer, that maybe, just maybe, I’ll look around and walk toward you. But we’re never on the same pace. You said things were different, but you’ve denied me of what should have, yet again. You casually gave up the chance to make things better. Left me hanging on to every word, every promise, every hope I’ve built up for us. Because I believed you. Most importantly, because I love you. So much.

Last night, I wanted to stay away. I thought, maybe that would help ease my distress. But what good would that do to me, when I know the one real thing I want is you. It’s not fair how you are. You never let me win. Nothing’s happening, but I’m still getting hurt. It’s a sick cycle, whatever it is you do to me. Counting the days until you go back, because I know all this confusion will once again recede. You’d be back to your old self, old routine, same old everything. And I, I will still be here. I’m just here.

I need to break away from this way of thinking, free myself of you. But will I then find peace? When I know how close we were to finally getting there; when we almost had the chance to inanely fall all over again. I wish it mattered to you. If only you had stayed a little bit longer. If only you didn’t hold back on me, then maybe you’d see how happy we can be. If only I had my way. But I don’t, I never do.