FINALLY

i am
smiling

again.

cater to you

"I wouldn't have just sand this song for you... I would have done all of these and a whole lot more... If only you loved me a little more."

I want to give you my breath, my strength, my will to be here
That's the least I can do
Let me cater to you
Through the good, the bad
The ups and the downs
I'll still be here for you
Let me cater to you

Inspire me from the heart
Can't nothing tear us apart
You're all I want in a man
I put my life in your hands
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert and so much more
Anything you want,
I wanna cater to you

here is gone

i'm not the one who broke you
i'm not the one you should fear
we've got to move you darlin'
i thought i lost you somewhere
but you were never really ever there at all

and i want to get free
talk to me
i can feel you falling
and i wanted to be
all you need
somehow here is gone

and i don't need the fall out
of all the past that's in between us
and i'm not holding on
and all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

somehow here is gone

- goo goo dolls

finally

you had me.
but you let me go.
you chose to let me go.

for a moment there i just kept asking myself:
what did i do wrong?
was i not enough?
was i not good enough?
what else did i have to give?
what else did i have to give up?
...just to make you happier.
...just to make you stay.
...just to make you love me enough.

but there was no answer.
nothing.

but then it was there.
...all this time...
the answer that i have avoided for so long.
nothing.
there was not enough love from your end.
there was nothing else to make you stay.
there was no other way i could make you happy.
there was nothing else i could do.
there was nothing wrong with me.
there was simply nothing.
because i have done everything.
i have given everything.

and despite these, you still left.
you were still confused.
you still doubted.

i was never good enough for you.
and the fact that you chose to let me go, proves one thing:
i will never be good enough for you.

but that's just it.
i will never be good enough for you.
...for you.
but i am good enough.
i am better.
and i am better off on my own.

you had your chance.
i even handed it to you so many times.
but you just declined.
each and every time.

so i'm taking everything back.
myself.
my sanity.
my heart -- every single shattered peice of it.
at least they are all mine.
even if you will never be.
at least i still have something left for myself.
something that really belongs to me.

Hurt Before

She's a girl in a world, she's moving as fast as she goes
Loves her mum and her dad, the only security that she knows
But at night, she's alone, she's dreaming of somebody new
Her someone for to hold, she's praying the dream will come true

There's a pain in her heart, she's trying so hard to unwind
Makes her cry in the night, when visions so real make her blind
Wants to break through the the fear
Erasing the scars from within
Start a new kind of being - she's down and she's praying again

You see she's -
Turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Stepping outside, with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
Turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Take it in stride, you're just twenty-five
And you know we've all been hurt before

Yeah we've all been hurt before
So you're not alone...
No...
You're not alone...

- The Corrs

Building Blocks

Kids learn their ABCs through building blocks.
So do I. Only, it’s the ABCs of love.

A

Apple. That sinful object that mankind was warned not to take a bite of. That one thing that screwed up both Adam and Snowhite.
B

Boy. Really now, like I need to say more…

C

Cry. It’s what us girls seem to be fond of doing (consciously or otherwise) both for the wonderful and spiteful things that unfold in relationships.

D

Dog. May be held synonymous for Boy, depending on the turn of events that have unfolded after we Cry.

E

Emo. Although I have not completely grasped the exact definition of this term, it’s a big enough word to deal with (of course) being emotional, anxious, agitated, neurotic, paranoid, temperamental… and all the other pathetic frustrations we go through after being heart broken. You get the picture.

F

F*ck(ed). It’s either you get it, you feel it, or you’re just it. Take your pick.

G
H

Hot. Could be an adjective that tempts you to get into something (a supposed relationship?!) with someone (a Boy, nonetheless) because you feel just THAT (hot) at some point, believing that that someone (yes, that Boy – is there any other?!) will stick around because he seems to think so too.

I

Ignorant. What we’re usually guilty of being the moment we turn deaf and blind for the sake of “saving” the relationship with that Boy.

J

Judgment. Or the lack thereof the moment we (consciously or otherwise) become Ignorant.

K

Kiss. What we usually/ actually / eventually / ____ (go on, feel free to fill in the blank) fall for / look forward to / miss / ____ (again, feel free to fill in the blank…)

L

Love. Heck. Go figure.

M

Memories. A.k.a. Left-overs. And just like food, it could be good or bad; bittersweet, just right or spoiled; best preserved (at least for a certain time – like wine) or best thrown away.

N

O

P

Pain. It’s the sting that tugs in the deepest part of you. Where exactly it’s located, I have yet to pinpoint. But it’s there, it’s always there, ready to tug at your heart, shake you to the core and F*ck everything else when you thought you’re already getting by just fine. It could usually be brought about by Memories you stupidly (intentionally or otherwise) go back to.

Q
R

Rose. Beautiful things, really. Takes a special seat in Memories. (I leave it up to you to choose if it’s bittersweet or spoilt left-over.)

S

Stupid. Please refer to Ignorant. Although there actually is a hairline that separates the two, when it comes to relationships, it usually seems synonymous, which ever way you look at it to the point that it could even be used interchangeably. At least that’s how I’d like to see it.

Z Y X W V U T

I have yet to complete my ABCs.

I’ve only come up with quite a number of nasty words to fill them. Those are what I’ve learned so far. Or at least, those are the words that run amuck in my head, what with what I’ve gone through with my last failed relationship.

So don’t spite me if I sound like a bitter bitch. I’m heart-broken. Yes, I’m past the denial stage. And I’d like to think I’m actually on my way to acceptance. I’m learning. And I’m taking my time learning. It’s the only luxury I could afford right now.

And like a learning child, I am building my blocks - - around me. I’m still vulnerable… badly bruised and shaken.

I am hoping that by the time I finish learning my ABCs, there would be more pleasant words to fill in the missing letters. It would even be nice if I’d learn better words to replace the ones I have right now. Maybe by then, I would have finally accepted everything. My heart would have finally healed. And hopefully, the blocks I’d be learning to build, is of a beautiful relationship with a Boy who will share a life with me, building Memories we’ll both look back at until our last breathing moment.

Who I Want To Meet

“I could kiss a million guys and it still wouldn’t mean as much as holding your hand…”

Someone…
To tickle and be tickled by
To make fun of and have fun with
To frown at and scamper to
To sit with and lean on


Someone to…
be joined at the hip with
be my other pair of shoe
be the cherry on my icecream
be my morning sunshine


Someone who is…
Trusty just like my fave old flipflops (never without its own pair)
Warm the way I like my coffee (enough to start my day)
Sweet as all the chocolates i love (& just can’t get enough of)
Great the way I like my music mixes (that I’m so addicted to)


Someone who will stay.

i'm sticking my nose on what makes me happy!

...down time with my life...

treading up and starting over

after everything else:

breathe. live. learn. love.i've got to do what i've got to do.look past the walls and barriers.stand. see. walk. be.i've got no one else but myself.it's just me.today. tomorrow. and the day after.i can't do anything about my past.but i'm doing the right thing now.i'll be ready for the future.it's mine and mine alone for the taking.

To: My Dearest Buddy

There you have it. Your time. Your space.
Is that how great your need is for those two?
Such a great need that you just had to invade mine too?!
Just how selfish could you be?!

3:30 AM.
I have just fallen (finally!) asleep when I was suddenly awakened by the doorbell.
Surprise, surprise. It’s you.
You just barged in. Lit a cigarette.
Then just fired away with your own inquisition without even considering my own state of mind.
What the f*ck?!

Don’t expect me to provide you a mellow reaction to that, dear buddy.
It’s not funny.
It’s not, ok?!
It’s infuriating!
I’ve never been angry, this angry!!!
Especially towards someone I really love.
Boy you really did exceed my expectations.
Damn you’re good!
A really good jack ass!

And the things you said! It’s one thing when you lashed out on me in the wee hours of the morning and while I was still (and literally) half asleep. Now it’s a whole other story that you took your time to drive by just so you could lambast me. That’s really nice and sweet of you. Tell me, is that how you usually treat the girl you say you love, that same girl you swear will always have and keep in the most special place in your heart, that very same girl you call and “treat” as your best buddy?! My apologies, my Dearest, but I think I’ll pass. No, scratch that, I don’t have to think about it. I'll pass!

And while you have the guts to drive by, you even brought your balls with you to shut me up while you’re in my pad, in my room, in my bed -- for the simple reason that you finally felt sleepy after a good hour of throwing your shitty tantrum!

There you go.
Take all the time you need, but leave mine to me.
Take all the space you want, but don’t you dare invade mine.
Take everything with you. Make sure you don’t ever forget to grab hold of your common sense. Bring along some sensitivity and humility too.
And while you’re at it, please grow up!

Don't worry. I understand perfectly.
Shit happens every once in a while, right?
Even I have my own fair share...
in YOU.


Good morning. Slept well?

fixing year

i'm turning silver this month.
it ought to be a happy new year for me. it ought to be.
my new year didn't start right.
now my other new year isn't going wel eitherl.
(what with everything taht;s happened:
heartbreak... LIFE.)

in my attempt to at least get through and get by,
i'm re-writing my resolutions picked and gathered from years back.
(yes, i've actually kept most of my lists.
too bad i wasn't able to keep much of them.)
note that they are listed randomly and not according to any preference of order.

so here's to a silver year.
here's to life. (or the lack thereof.)
here's to ME.
here's to resolutions.
here's to my fixing year.


1. "First things first." Focus and prioritize!
2. Eliminate procrastination.
3. Be strictly disciplined.
(yes, it seems redundant. just goes to show the urgent need of it)
4. Be more efficient and resourceful.
(hail to independence!)
5. Do away with all the unnecessary clutters.
6. Be neat and organized.
7. Count simplicity.
8. Observe self-awareness. Listen.
9. Value time and silence.
10. Regain a stronger faith.
11. Save.
12. Do not settle for anything less than the set standard/s.
13. Be considerated of everything and everybody else. Understand.
14. Be cautious and patient.
15. Accept weaknesses and differences.
16. Keep away bad memories. Forgive. Forget.
17. Maintain grace and self respect.
18. Learn.
19. Be.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit

"...favorite things..."

even for a day...

today, something significant happened in my life.

there is another breath to start anew.

there is another step ahead of my past and towards my future.

somehow the pain withers away,

and things begin to get easier.

acceptance befalls.

a moment turns to leave a part of the past behind;

to prove my love to someone,

to prove my faith in myself,

to embark on a new chapter in my life,

to welcome God’s favor for me with arms wide open.

patience sets in.

today, I find myself waiting,

not for anyone nor anything else in particular,

but for what tomorrow may bring.

today, I find myself truly smiling again.

i've hit a set back. damn.