a pang of sorrow

It is only in sleeping that you can find rest for you broken heart. But even sleep has remained so elusive. When slumber seems to be the best way to cope and strengthen you at least for the night, you still find yourself wide awake, hurting. Even the darkness cannot lull you to sleep. Because even as you close your eyes, to escape your waking moments of breaking, you still see his face, his smile. And as you lay in your bed, there still is the remaining fragrance of his scent. And even if you change your sheets, his smell still lingers. He still lingers. He is deeply rooted in your memory. And everywhere you look, in everything you lay your eyes on, you see him there, you find him there. You hear him in your own voice, when you speak, when you feign a laugh, you still hear him. No other thoughts have occupied your mind. Not even the memories you had together. It’s just him… every passing painful moment. And it’s just so agonizing. It feels like you are about to burst with emotions. You want to wail and you want to scream and you want to stop breathing. You just want to stop. Stop hurting. Stop feeling. Stop thinking. Stop. And then you let out a breath again. And again you feel an excruciating pain tug at the deepest corner of your heart. And you want to cry, but you have lost even the will, let alone the strength to cry. You tremble. You feel weak. And you have become weak. You have lost your appetite… for food, for life, for love. And nothing seems to quench your thirst… for him, for his time, for his love, for his life. You want so bad to let everything out, to set free all the emotions that consume you. But then you realize that you no longer can. You keep getting weaker faster than light has traveled away from your world. And you feel the fright of being too weak to save yourself, your sanity, your own passion for living. And then you stop living. You begin to forget who you are, how you are. Why is it that when your memory begins to fail you of reminding you of how and who you used to be, it never seems to fail to remind you of him and of how much you love him?! And there is no use looking into your heart because it has been shattered to pieces, like pieces of a broken mirror where you find a million more reflections of the tremendous grief you are drowning into - - like quicksand. Sunrise has come unnoticed. And the morning does not differ from nightfall. Nothing seems to matter anymore. And no matter how many words you know, how many phrases you understand, you find that your hope and faith and love have altogether lost their meanings. The only word and act you know of is ‘beg.’ To beg for forgiveness for all your shortcomings, all your faults, your weaknesses, for just being yourself. To beg that all the grief, pain, hurt and hopelessness to leave and be washed away. To beg for him to take you back and love you again. You try so hard to stand once again, to find your ground and remain standing. To clear your thoughts and mend your sanity. But you find yourself failing. And you just can’t help feeling like a failure. You feel like you have failed him, you have failed yourself. You failed.