What the F*ck?!

You find yourself at a point where you can’t help but think: Is my life going anywhere? You’re twenty-something, and you’ve always thought that at that age you’d have the most fun. But it doesn’t always work that way. You couldn’t wait to get past 21. Yes, you are now legal. You can buy alcohol at the liquor store or go to a bar and order that vodka drink you’ve been salivating for since your older friends started drinking. You couldn’t wait to get out of highschool because you knew that there was something bigger out there, bigger than the school paper, bigger than your prom. Back then all you worried about was making the grade. And your biggest problems were either how you would tell your best friend that you’ve been in love with him/her since pre-school, or if you get to bring home the championship trophy for basketball. It was the same thing with college. You couldn’t wait to get out of college. F*ck classes, and the dorms and that air-headed bitch in fifth row who couldn’t tell what a verb was from a noun, but could tell you how to spot a fake Prada purse. Once again you thought that there was something bigger out there. Bigger than frat parties, basketball games and those goddamn exhibits that you needed to do to f*cking graduate. No more sneaking out the dorms just to go party at that new club that everyone’s talking about since you’re independent now and you’ve got your degree and you think you can get away with everything. It’s true. There is something bigger out there. Bigger issues. Bigger problems. Bigger bitches (with real Prada purses). Now all you can think about is how you miss the old days and how you regret doing the things that you did (i.e. smoking that one whole stick of cigarette for a hundred bucks just to prove to your friends that you’re cool), and now you’ve ended up with a stinky habit that you can’t go on a day without. You wish that you did the things that you wanted to do, like date that one guy that you thought was soooo boring (because everyone said so, but deep down inside you really thought he was cool), and he was cool, he was more mature than most of the guys you’d gone out with. Worldly, is the best word to describe him.

Today, you’ve got friends who are mommies and daddies. And you realize that they have moved on. You tease them that they’re so much like their parents, and are so old because when you ask them to come drinking with you, it’s all in vain. They’ve got their own lives now. And you tell your single friends that your married friends have become homebodies, and back then they were the life of the party. And you say that you’re so glad that you’re still single and living the life that everyone wants. But a part of you knows that that’s not true, because while you may be partying all night and coming home at 3 in the morning, your married friends are all tucked in bed and satisfied that they’ve put their babies to sleep.

Nowadays, you worry about money, when you didn’t have to back when you were younger. Back then the only time you worried about money was Christmas or anniversaries. About 10 years ago you had a string of boys following you around, sending you love notes, chocolates and flowers. Your most embarrassing moment in life was tripping in front of your crush and the whole school. You worried about the fact that you might not get invited to the coolest party of the year or when you do get invited, will your parents even let you go? You agonize over who your prom date is going to be or what color dress to wear. Nowadays you wish it was that simple. You create new resolutions every year, but end up not doing any one of them, because you’re set in your ways. You promise to be more open to new ideas. Or to give that one creep a chance (even when you really don’t have a choice anymore, since dating is so hard these days and you’re really out of practice). You swear to quit smoking but the next day you find yourself at the grocery store paying for a pack of cigarettes.

A time machine would be a perfect present. That way you can just relive all those moments. Answer all those math questions like a genius. Not buy that expensive perfume that you gave your first girlfriend since you know that she’s just going to break up with you a month later. Most especially, do the crazy things you did with your best friends. Like sneak out of the dorm just to meet your boyfriends, and do a better job at making up excuses and covering all the bases. You can never be too sure. You remember the times you spent goofing off with your friends. Getting drunk, waking up with a hangover. You especially remember the times your friends’ brothers hit on you and you feel like puking in your mouth. You have that one friend who streaked in the park past midnight, another who was on her knees asking for forgiveness from another friend. A friend who was obsessive compulsive, you got so used to her counting, her number was 5. A friend who puked in front of the school chapel and the friend who came up with lies to cover for you. That one friend who would always take breaks from her studies and you’d be forced to take breaks with her, too. The friend who would do your homework for ten bucks (the moneymaker). The friend who would pick you up at 4am when you were feeling so down. The group’s boyfriend, because he was always hanging around, and everyone tried kissing him on the lips but never succeeded. That one best friend that you never fought with ever since you found each other because you both felt that it was beneath the two of you and you felt so mature about it. Friends that you made a mixed tape with your favorite songs using that coke booth karaoke thingy. They’re the kind of friends that after so many years being apart you still have that connection and it’s like nothing had ever changed.

But you don’t have a time machine. You live in the present. And you can’t change the past. So now you worry about your job and what’s next for you. You think 10 years ahead, where are you going to be, will you still be doing what you’re doing. How are your future kids going to look like (that’s if you ever get married), and yes, are you ever going to get married? It seems like your life is just going in circles and it won’t stop. Patterns patterns patterns. That’s all you see. So you end up thinking: what the hell am I doing? You didn’t think that after college you’d still be looking for that one BIG thing. And you still don’t know what it is. You don’t know what you’re looking for. It’s like you’re in a room with no windows and the lights are turned off, and you’re bumping into everything, hurting yourself and others. That’s how it feels. You just want to go back. Back to when everything was simple and you didn’t have to overanalyze everything. But you can’t because one day you’re going to realize that it is what it is. And you’re just going to have to f*cking suck it up.