You scare me.
I’m afraid that one morning you will wake up and realize that you don’t love me anymore. Or worse, that you never loved me at all, and that you merely cared.
I’m afraid that at some point, when you’re walking to your car, you’ll realize that I was just that nice, sweet girl you befriended who happened to stand beside you at that time when you were contemplating about committing yourself to having a serious relationship. And that the only reason you did stay and choose me was because that was what you wanted at the time – to have a regular girlfriend. What will you do when it occurs to you that that’s just what I am: a regular girlfriend – and not that someone you’re certain of being with far longer than expected?
I’m afraid that there will come a moment, when you’re lying next to me while I sleep and you’d suddenly think to yourself: “What if I had waited a little while longer and set my eyes beyond this girl beside me, would I have found somebody better? What if there’s that one perfect girl who fits my ideals and would love me the very same way this girl I’m with, had I not been too rash, too excited and too much in a hurry to decide to be with who I’m with right now? Or what if I had stopped for a moment and turned my back and gave the last woman I was with another chance, could she have been the better choice?” Have you started having these thoughts?
I’m afraid of closing my eyes and falling asleep, letting you out of my sight, leaving you for even the slightest moment that your mind should wander and linger to such thoughts and doubts. And I’m afraid to wake up and find out that you have actually fallen into the pit of these thoughts like quicksand. Leading you to forget about me
I tremble every time I don’t hear from you, when we’re not together. Every time you fall into silence when we’re together. And each time, these fears haunt me, engulfing me, swallowing my sanity whole; causing me so much pain, hurting me. And every time that you are not beside me, I am more assured that one day I will find you gone. .. one day when I will watch you walk away from me, never to return again.
I am so scared.
I’m afraid that for one minute, when you look at me, you’ll see someone else you’d wish would rather be with you… a past love or a stranger you have randomly passed by. I’m afraid that when that minute takes its turn, you’ll be too kind not to let me know, knowing that you will hurt me terribly. And it will. And you’ll then choose to stay, not because you still love me, but because you’d feel bad about yourself for causing me such pain even if it is through your thoughts alone.
I’m afraid that if and once I find out all these have in truth taken place, I could only watch you leave with tears in my heart and a smile on my face just so you would not feel bad about yourself, your decision and the new choice you took. If only to see you happy, I might just let you go. Who’s to tell what should happen next? I’m still too afraid to even think, lest, look beyond that smile I would put on.
I’m afraid to even welcome these fears and say them out loud, confide to someone closest to me, because I’m afraid that these fears will consume me and blind me from trusting you and loving you completely.
I’m afraid that I have come to love you far more than I should have allowed myself to.
This is all new to me. The fear. The pain. I have long anticipated love. And I have never thought that upon finding it, I will eventually learn how to fear love itself.
But it is not in loving you that much that I’m most afraid of. It is in the thought that if these fears should hold true, a wonderful man would not only eventually walk away from my love, but may walk out of my life as well.
I’m frightened.
UNSENT
10 November 2007
I’m afraid that one morning you will wake up and realize that you don’t love me anymore. Or worse, that you never loved me at all, and that you merely cared.
I’m afraid that at some point, when you’re walking to your car, you’ll realize that I was just that nice, sweet girl you befriended who happened to stand beside you at that time when you were contemplating about committing yourself to having a serious relationship. And that the only reason you did stay and choose me was because that was what you wanted at the time – to have a regular girlfriend. What will you do when it occurs to you that that’s just what I am: a regular girlfriend – and not that someone you’re certain of being with far longer than expected?
I’m afraid that there will come a moment, when you’re lying next to me while I sleep and you’d suddenly think to yourself: “What if I had waited a little while longer and set my eyes beyond this girl beside me, would I have found somebody better? What if there’s that one perfect girl who fits my ideals and would love me the very same way this girl I’m with, had I not been too rash, too excited and too much in a hurry to decide to be with who I’m with right now? Or what if I had stopped for a moment and turned my back and gave the last woman I was with another chance, could she have been the better choice?” Have you started having these thoughts?
I’m afraid of closing my eyes and falling asleep, letting you out of my sight, leaving you for even the slightest moment that your mind should wander and linger to such thoughts and doubts. And I’m afraid to wake up and find out that you have actually fallen into the pit of these thoughts like quicksand. Leading you to forget about me
I tremble every time I don’t hear from you, when we’re not together. Every time you fall into silence when we’re together. And each time, these fears haunt me, engulfing me, swallowing my sanity whole; causing me so much pain, hurting me. And every time that you are not beside me, I am more assured that one day I will find you gone. .. one day when I will watch you walk away from me, never to return again.
I am so scared.
I’m afraid that for one minute, when you look at me, you’ll see someone else you’d wish would rather be with you… a past love or a stranger you have randomly passed by. I’m afraid that when that minute takes its turn, you’ll be too kind not to let me know, knowing that you will hurt me terribly. And it will. And you’ll then choose to stay, not because you still love me, but because you’d feel bad about yourself for causing me such pain even if it is through your thoughts alone.
I’m afraid that if and once I find out all these have in truth taken place, I could only watch you leave with tears in my heart and a smile on my face just so you would not feel bad about yourself, your decision and the new choice you took. If only to see you happy, I might just let you go. Who’s to tell what should happen next? I’m still too afraid to even think, lest, look beyond that smile I would put on.
I’m afraid to even welcome these fears and say them out loud, confide to someone closest to me, because I’m afraid that these fears will consume me and blind me from trusting you and loving you completely.
I’m afraid that I have come to love you far more than I should have allowed myself to.
This is all new to me. The fear. The pain. I have long anticipated love. And I have never thought that upon finding it, I will eventually learn how to fear love itself.
But it is not in loving you that much that I’m most afraid of. It is in the thought that if these fears should hold true, a wonderful man would not only eventually walk away from my love, but may walk out of my life as well.
I’m frightened.
UNSENT
10 November 2007
"I have got to be more than just your right decision. I’m worth more than that. I deserve better than being just the perfect choice."
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