Your First Episode

"Happy New Year!" What a wonderful start... evrything is just so peachy.

…It adds to the pain, the pain of being set aside all because of an uncertainty of the love you did not ask for to begin with. A love you did not even hope for. It doubles when you learn that that person you love could cause you such pain even without meaning to.

And you could not, would not blame him for all the heartbreak you are going through because you know it may have been beyond him to cause you so much pain. And the fault, should there be any, might have even been yours. That is the fault you’ve taken when you decided to love that person.

It is because when you love someone, you are bound to give away not only your heart, not only a stem of your emotion and a strand of your thoughts. Loving someone goes beyond merely sharing a part of your life, hopes and dreams. When you love someone, you actually live a life together, hope together in making both your dreams come true for and with each other.

When you love someone, not only are you giving away yourself completely, but the power for that person to hurt you, to disappoint you, to break you. You become vulnerable to every single action and even to the unspoken thought of that person. You succumb not only to your love and relationship, but you also submit your whole self to him; the same way that he should to you.

But no matter how profound all these may seem, there still lies an irony in it. No matter how much you work for it, no matter how much you love, no matter how much of yourself you offer, there will never be a guarantee that it will last. There shall be no certainty that what you have with each other as of the moment shall transcend through time and everything else.

You are faced with the fact that there still is a greater chance that you would be left hanging. And such a predicament would only assure you of being left with a faltering faith and a breaking heart, leaving you slowly and painfully crumbling towards a losing end.

All that is left is for you to mourn in self-pity, and realize that life has once again taken an awful turn, playing a cruel joke and a heartless prank, betraying you; to be given hope and faith for all this time, only to be stolen away in an instant. You loose your ground, your balance, your grip, not only on everything else around you, but on your own lone self as well. There are no words to describe the emotion, the pain, the misery of waiting for something you do not even know would even still be there in the end, and the possible loss.

There is no word to describe the ache of waiting when you stand lost amidst the shattered self you now own; lost along with the time that just keeps slipping away from you.

You hold on to yourself while grasping for your sanity, trying hard to remember all the preparations you went through while anticipating for the inevitable pain of a love lost. But again you tremble more upon realizing how easily you have forgotten how to cope with a broken heart the moment you decided to open your heart and love once again.


written January 2008